glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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