Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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