Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
