I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
