dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize