Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
