I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize