Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
