i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
