If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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