just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
