I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
