My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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