Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
