Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
