at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
