You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
