i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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