Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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