I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
