sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
