If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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