Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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