we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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