it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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