Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
