A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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