I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
