The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this beer tastes like vomit already
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
