Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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