My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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