i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
