my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
