I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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