Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
