she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
two words: eviction party
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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