Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
