Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
