i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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