I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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