so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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