last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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