thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
