i don't like sucking hair
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
