i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
