Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
