I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
