you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize