Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
