Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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