cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
