So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
