none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
