I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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