im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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