im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
